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Podford University Students & Faculty

Bill Schmates


Good at computers and math, Professor Shmates brought Math 55,000 to Podford University after Harvard students complained it was too hard.

Churman Urman

Pawed Chalice Elder, Student

Brother of Burman and Thurman and a founding member of the Pawed Chalice. As dumb as he is old.

Thurman Urman

Pawed Chalice Elder, Student

Extremely old, very wise, sort-of senile, this brother of the Urman Three can be found studying Pasta History (again) when he's not running meetings and plotting long-deserved mutiny at The Pawed Chalice.

Grover Wiggins

Crypto Club Leader

Wiggins is President of Podford’s very own Cryptozoology Club. Boasting a strong interest and knowledge of cryptids and all things spooky, Grover has spent the majority of his life in search of monsters such as Bigfoot and Bigfoot Jr.

The Troll

A disgusting, deformed, three-hundred-year-old husk, The Troll can be found under the bridge near the old creek. Well, that is until he took his rightful place as Head Dean of Podford University and transformed back into his original flesh.

Abernathy Wickspittle

Former Head Dean, R.I.P.

Riddled with emphysema and a former and founding member of the Joffreys Group, this retired finance rat decided to try his hand at running a college in an effort to discover the shortest distance to lining his own pockets. May he rest in peace.

Showbot 5000

In bringing Show & Tell to a collegiate-level venue, human emotions had to be removed. The Showbot 5000 was developed by Podford Science to fairly and accurately judge over 14 million unique items, making Podford the premiere Show & Tell university in the nation.

Uncle Pete


While Uncle Pete doesn’t actually work or teach at Podford officially, his knowledge of sales is invaluable to students who accidentally take his fake Marketing 101 class. It turns out they may actually learn something, though, and Uncle Pete may actually pay off his aluminum siding debt while they’re at it.

Gerald Podford

Head Dean, Podford University Founder

Founder of Podford University and emphatic, passionate parlor magician, Gerald can be found in the Dean's mansion, plotting new ways to bring his once-great school back to greatness.

Doc Newton

Bartender / Proprietor

The semi-well-to-do proprietor of the Pod On The Rocks pub that strattles the Podford University demarcation line, Ol' Doc knows how to serve up a fancy martini, a rustic hard lemonade, and if you've got the stones for it, the spiciest chicken wings this side of the Atlantic.

Frankie Shoppingcarts


Professor of Shopping Carts and a man who truly loves what he teaches. Frankie has been studying shopping carts for as long as he can remember. He’s the heir to the Shopping Carts fortune and would give gladly to you the shopping cart off his own back.


Cool Student

The coolest student at Podford. He could easily take all of Vin’s friends but chooses not to.

Beau Frempton

Sous Chef

Sous chef to Conrad Lasagna at the Podford cafeteria. A dark cloud seems to follow poor Beau wherever he goes, although whether that’s his fault or his boss Conrad’s is up for debate.

Purnell Aldous Winsley Finstetter

Professor, Attorney

A retired lawyer and founder of Bear Law as a widely studied legal practice, this former attorney has decided to take his knowledge to the classroom. Purnell will fight for bear rights until the day he dies.

Stelios Pansequestinitus

Professor, Attorney

As a long-time hobbyist-turned-professional Bear Lawyer, taking on cases most impovershed bears wouldn't dream of pursuing, Stelios earned his stripes infamously in the fall of 2005, defending the likes of one 'Ransom the Bear' in the precedent-setting Ransom v The State of Idaho.

Bearnell Ursos

Professor, Attorney

Professor Ursos rose to prominence by providing the main argument in the landmark McCulloch v Maryland v Bear case, which overturned the federal government’s implied power over Bear state legislatures.

William S. Birdley

Avian Enthusiasts Club Leader

Head of the newly formed Avian Enthusiasts Club at Podford. It's unclear if he's an older student or a very young expert of birds. Either way, Birdely's emphatuation with flying animals is undeniable even if his social skills leave something to be desired.

Dennis Limestone

Legendary Spotscaster, Podford Alumn

With experience calling the Super Bowl, NCAA March Madness Final Four, Battle Bots, The Masters and Podford’s Chess Team, Dennis Limestone is as good as it gets in the sportscasting world.

Mark D'Meadows


Mark, a consummate optimist, can be found in Podford's robust band and orchestral facilities most of the time, despite the fact that he travels nearly 6 combined hours each day to and from work. He is nothing if not fully committed to bringing the gift of music to his students.

The Registrar

All-knowing and all-seeing, The Registrar is capable of making a list about anything regarding Podford University.

Fish Shark

Professor, Dr.

The enigmatic Dr. Shark is the genius behind the most exclusive, sought after course at Podford University: Fish Lab 208. Their name is a coincidence. Dr. Fish Shark originally brought the idea of The Lab to Oxford, Yale and Princeton, though it was mutually agreed upon that Podford was the only school capable of handling the class.

Daddy Time


Professor of Future History and the Keeper of all Time. Time’s official Daddy. The beginning and the end. He has seen all and knows most. Daddy Time loves a good mint julep.

Frankie Pastacarts


Professor of Pasta History and a man who truly loves what he teaches. Frankie has been studying the pasta arts for as long as he can remember. He’s the heir to the alfredo fortune and would give gladly to you the spaghetti off his own back.

Jake Pisser

Frat Boy, Roast House

The penultimate frat-boy, Jake prides himself on throwing the most epic of parties, knowing a good bargain when he sees one, and carrying the legacy of Roast Kappa Kappa forward into history.

Grunt Hedley

Color Commentator

A mediocre-to-bad sportscaster, but an amazing Coldstone Creamery Team Member, Grunt is a true idiot who shouldn’t be allowed around a microphone.

Dartmouth Rattleslatch


Dartmouth, best known for his love and reverie of wood, became a professor at Podford University late in life. In his 70s now, he struggles to recall the entirety of his decades of expertise while just one facet remains clear as day: the construction and art of stairsmanship.

Gus Mackey


An aging thespian who can't wait to prepare young actors for the stage. He tends to grab inspiration for his plays from life experiences.

Conrad Lasagna

Head Chef

The theatrical, larger-than-life head chef of Podford's storied cafeteria, Conrad can often be found shirking his duties in favor of more dramatic broadcasting pursuits.

The Duke of Fright

A mysterious figure known for bestowing one University, each Halloween, with the privilege of legally being allowed to hold a Symphony of the Fright festival, this ageless Duke loves eating fresh apples and entrancing students with his gaze before returning to the night from whence he came.

Burman Urman

Pawed Chalice Elder, Student

A very old member of Podford’s secret society, which he will not talk about because it is a secret.